*Vintage Stuff*

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Vintage Page 2


   Price & Size
Name & Description
Silly-Contest-2003-Queens-i.jpg (49582 bytes)    Flamedames! And these are some of my designs from 2000 to 2006.  Nothing's in order by date, so you'll find Mature, Sophisticated things mixed up with Peculiar Weird Stuff.  Brace yourself....  I actually had a work ethic back then.
Fish_Carpe_Diem_JPEG.jpg (16791 bytes) $185

2 x 1.5"

Carpe Diem

My brother works at Disneyland - I'm so lucky!  When it first opened he got me in to see 'Honey I Shrunk The Audience', a 3-D extravaganza with images that popped so far out of the screen that people were ducking!  I came home inspired,  fired up the torch, and started trying to duplicate the effect in beads, and came up with Carpe Diem (Latin for 'seize the fish today... not!)   It's a serious stinker to make, because I have to build it up in layers from the inside out, so the seaweed, tail, fins, seaweed, body, side fins, more seaweed and head are all at different levels, and all it takes is one smeared seaweed strand to ruin the whole thing. But when it's right, the fish look like it's coming up thru the water.  They're exhausting to make, but boy, the effect!  (Inspired, Fired, and Tired?  Could be a country song!)

Lizardos_Small_JPEG.jpg (27136 bytes)


4 x 1.5"

Lizardos di CAPrio  (teenage size)

Thanks to Janice Peacock for the seriously excellent name! For weeks I'd been trying to figure out what these were, grumbling various names under my breath in the car, at the grocery, dumping the trash - people were starting to edge away when I'd go by with my shopping cart, staring off into space, muttering "Tongue In Chic? Chapeausaurus? Dino Easter Parade? GarGoil's Night Out? Nooooo..." Please send Janice a nice Thank You, and let the county health services folks know I'm really okay (but don't let them see this website or I'm doomed... and then where would you get your Sillyfix?) So this is what happens when the Northern California Cootie Bugs crawl out of the bathtub drains and find the People Magazine 'Best & Worst Dressed' issue laying on the floor next to the toilet, right where it belongs - they morph into grinning, dressed up Party Lizards (kinda like their namesake, no?) These three are the smaller teenage size, with fancy floral caps & bouquets - great for a Cheerful Fix when you need one! The pendants are made up with 10 beads on copper wire. Seriously, barfably cute!
Lizardos_Large_JPEG.jpg (22207 bytes)  $185

6 x 2" 

Lizardos di CAPrio    (Giant Economy Adult Size)

And these are their parents - two inches longer, made up with 15 beads, more or less.  As they reach maturity Lizardos absorb their legs and grow an extra set of arms, but they've still got a death-grip on those posies.  And their cute spotted floral caps with the twisty striped rims are still in place, covering the huge bald spots that Rogaine just won't fix (it's hell, being a lizard...)  And thanks to Leo D. for becoming rich & famous & making this rancid pun possible...   if he wants one, it's his.

Cats-Sitting-Classic.jpg (37724 bytes) $85

2.25 x 1"

These are medium size; I can go larger or smaller (larger costs more)

Committing a Four Paws   (Cats, dammit!!!  Not dogs!  Not weasels!  Not marmots!  Cats!)

These had been called 'Sitting Kitty', and I requested rename suggestions, and sure got them!  The two winners (of nothing... I'm cheap) are Georgia H. for 'Committing Four Paws'  (I *love* pretentious French puns) and Wendy M. for 'Picture of Pawsperity'.  Thanks, bead babes, you're my last defense against writers block!   Anyway, here's a pic showing three of my spiffiest compound beads, with rhinestone rondelle collars.  I like this design a lot,  have been drawing it since I was 7 or 8. The first ones I made in glass were a bright yellow-gold with black spots, and after I saw Men In Black, they all got sunglasses (Cats In Black!).  They look good in ivory with black spots, and dark gold with stripes, and I do a pretty mean Siamese.   And aren't Russian Blue Cats a nice bright shade of...... nah.

Cat-Hindlick-Front.jpg (19255 bytes) Cat-Hindlick-Back.jpg (20204 bytes) The Hind-Lick Maneuver  (front & back)

$185      1.75 x 1.5"

It feels really good to be able to say 'My bead design can lick your bead design', and really mean it.  And it's a hoot to be able to come up with a name that's better than the bead!  So here's one where the cat has assumed the normal company position, leg in the air and tongue extended.  But it's not as tacky as it looks, mostly because I wanted the face to show.  She (or He, if you order the Luxury Optional Ballage Package) is in the middle of a cleanup job on her belly button  She has a nice fluffy tail and a little white butt-spot around the other side of the picture.   (continued below....)

Cat-Hindlick-2006-On-Box.jpg (25984 bytes)    


3 x 1.5"

The Hind-Lick Maneuver on Cat Furniture

This is one of the hardest beads I make - it isn't symmetrical, and it takes a long time to get all the various body parts placed where they should be.  There are so many things sticking out in all directions that I regularly stick toes on the end of the tail (hmmm... maybe I'll leave it there for the Nuclear Pet Series...) This cat comes in solid colors only, no dots or stripes, because I like the contrast, and if I had to coordinate patterns as well as body parts I'd go stinkin' insane!  This one's on a box, because the farther up the furniture a cat sits the better the licks taste, especially when there's company around to see it.  

Dog-Meanwhile-Back-Lab.jpg (23281 bytes) $145

3 x 1"


Meanwhile, Back at the Lab

When Craig Milliron (Owner and Chief Tinkerer of Arrow Springs, one of our major tool & equipment suppliers for hot glass work) asked me if I could make him a Labrador retriever, I said "POOF! You're a Labrador Retriever!" and he turned the hose on me.  After I'd had time to dry off & think about it, I said "Only if I can put the Lab in a lab coat, and call it Meanwhile Back At The Lab'.  And Craig said, 'Will it have a cat head in a test tube?'  And history was made, because I'd found someone who made me feel normal.  So here it is... a compound bead with head and body separate, so the head can move around while it's being worn. And it has a flask with a cat head inside, just like Craig wanted, the blood-thirsty so&so. The tail curls up the back, the hands and feet are notched with toes, and it has a spiffy Swarovski collar.  Not too bad for our first collaboration, but I live in fear of our second...

Cow-Subordinate-Clauses.jpg (21952 bytes) $85

1.75 x .75" approximate, they can vary a bit

Holiday Series:  Subordinate Clauses    (I've wanted to use that pun for years...)

When the elves go on strike, Santa brings in these guys to take over the toy making operation.  These are the stinkers who are responsible for those rubber animal noses with the elastic bands that you can get at The Nature Company, and the Big Mouth Billy Bass and Singing Lobsters that show up on late-night TV commercials, and pink flamingo lamps, and the little yipping wind-up dogs that you see running around on those tables in front of toy stores.  These guys have a lot to answer for, but they have an excuse... Santa trained them by making them read Elf-Help Books.  Think that was a rancid pun?  Just pray I never get around to doing a  'Rudolph The Red Knows Rain, Dear'  bead....  or the Lewinsky holiday pendant,  'Santa Monica'.  

Dog_fleas_navidog_good_JPEG.jpg (34370 bytes) $145 

2.5 x 1"

Holiday Series:  Fleas Navidog

I didn't make up this pun, darnitall...  I saw it on a Christmas Card a couple years back, with a little dog in a Santa hat.  And it was so bad, it just stuck with me, so I made it into a bead.   It's a 2-piece compound bead, with the dog and the Christmas present separate, linked together with copper wire so the dog can spin on the gift.  He's a Chihuahua, done in ivory glass and wrapped with lights, and the gift has a red & white striped bow.    And there's a sheep in this series, Fleece Navidad, right below... 

Sheep-Fleece-Navidad-2.jpg (44063 bytes)

$112 with lights

$85 without

1.5 x 1.5"

Sheep-fleece-navidad-fronta.jpg (17314 bytes)

Holiday Series:  Fleece Navidad   

These Christmas beads are scattered all over the place, aren't they?   But I just don't have the strength of character to take on the nasty job of grouping all the like-kind beads together on the same page.. and it would diminish the Joy Of The Hunt that you probably get when you're trying to find that one bead you saw last time, huh???  So... here's Fleece Navidad, and it's pretty cute.  The wool is done in ivory, and I blob tons of little polka dots all over it and only melt them in a little way, so the body is round and nubbly, then I wrap it around with little strings of black glass and add the Christmas lights.  Plug it in, and instant lamb chops (guess if I ever did THAT bead I could call it Mutton For Punishment...)  A couple of these on a necklace that's beaded like a fence might be kinda cool!   Question - Do any one of you actually count sheep to go to sleep, or is this some strange parental myth?


Cat-Sitting-Gift.jpg (21791 bytes) $145

3 x 1"

Holiday Series: A Little Nip of Holiday Cheer

Yep, Nip. Catnip. A Controlled Substance, against the law to possess in 257 countries.  Street value $400/gram.  Banned after the Great Cat Uprising of 2002... but wait, that's another timeline.  In this one, cats are still our friends... but have you noticed how they watch us?  With a kind of considering, calculating  look, as if they might be thinking "I can take her..."   Nah, can't be.   

So here's your basic innocent, angelic Holiday Cat, clutching her Flowering Nip Buds in hot little hands, squatting on top of Archie McPhee's Big Box O' Nip and contemplating sedition, insurrection, rebellion, conquest, damnation and lunch.  Just typical cat musing.   Gotta have one, dontcha? 


4.5 x 1.5"      not counting tail 

hum along with Elvis here...   

I'm Caught In A Trap, And I Can't Get Out, Cause I Love Cheese Too Much Babyyy...

And thanks to Kathleen Smail, owner of a mousetrap necklace, who came up with this truly spiffy title.  Only problem is now I'm gonna have to figure out how to give the darnthings sideburns, sunglasses, and wide glittery belts. Mousetrap beads started out as a joke, but certain strange beadbabes are wearing them  in public. I'm afraid... very afraid.  Cheese Beads are also available, and there's a tacky version with a little mime (whiteface, striped shirt, beret) in the trap, because A Mime Is A Terrible Thing To Waste (see? I was able to sneak the pun in AGAIN!) 

Penguin-Hollow.jpg (19555 bytes) $112

 2 x  2"



Go With The Floe  (ice cube optional - $15)

WHOO HOO, I've finally Achieved Penguin!  And he has a hollow tummy, so he's not as horrifyingly heavy as he could be, and of course that makes him the Official 'Before Lunch' Penguin.  The older versions had hands, but the Penguin Lobby lodged a protest and threatened action (tho what kind of action can you get from a penguin? Probably a lot - these days much of their legal work is handled by Opus.)  Anyway, this guy's sitting on a pale blue transparent ice cube and has a bellybutton and a tail in the back, and the required big fat non-slip penguin-toes.  Note: the Pet Psychic tells me he doesn't read Bloom County, and could use a fish.    

Pig-Jurassic-Pork-Good.jpg (24113 bytes) $120

3 x 2"

Jurassic Pork

Yep, the name came first, a pun so rancid that I had to make the bead. In the wild state, these guys put terror in the hearts of Jurassic Corn!  They all have T-Rex bodies with pig faces and curly tips to the tail, and fancy rhinestone collars - a common Fashion Statement 80 million years ago... paleontologists really hate having to dig thru 50 feet of rhinestone strata to reach the bones. These guys come in pink, but the polka dot and spine spot colors vary due to migratory patterns, climactic conditions, current top ten rock-n-roll hits (this guy was born to 'Blue Suede Shoes'), and diet.  But bellybuttons and butt dots are standard features with all of them.      COMING SOON -  JURASSIC PORK & BEANS!

Pig-Swine-Flew-NEW.jpg (13567 bytes) $85

1.5 x 1"

Swine Flew

When pigs fly, they look like this. They're made of pink Effetre glass, with transparent wings edged in ruby-gold.  The bead hole is horizontal, and in the best anatomically-correct manner, goes thru the mouth and exits under the tail.  Add a poochy stomach with bellybutton, big brown or blue eyes and little cloven hooves, and you have achieved Swine Flew... and there is no cure.  FYI, did you know pigs can't get sick, cause they have to be killed before they can be cured?     

Pig-Pork-and-Beans.jpg (28969 bytes) $120

2.5" x 2.5"

Pork & Beans

You think I could leave a pun like this just laying there?  I was fully intending to finally make the definitive Jurassic Pork & Beans, and it just didn't look right with the little clawed arms holding all the fava's... it just wasn't the same without the I'm Gonna Grab You gesture, and there really wasn't anyplace else (that was tasteful) to stick the beans.  So I scrapped the idea, and made a big fat hollow sitting porker, stuck on the veggies, and THAT worked just fine!  Of course, it works best of all in the Roadkill Series, check out The Silence Of The Hams - tire treads on the back, Fava clutched underneath.  Just Stinkin' Brilliant, she murmured humbly.....   I think there are pics on the next page!

Cow-Recycling-Daisy-2006.jpg (15055 bytes) $165

4 x 1"

Recycling at Daisy's Dairy

Speaking of cannibalism... no, let's call it recycling.  I've been drawing this design since about the 6th grade, and here comes the Dairy Council and sneaks the idea right out from under me!   Daisy's caught in the act - milking herself, holding that chocolate sandwich cookie, with a white moustache and a guilty look.  She's a 3-parter, with the head, body, and giant cookie platform separate pieces.  You can just barely see the tail looping up her back.  

This bead and the cow infested necklace that went with it were accepted into a pretty spiffy museum exhibit, put on by the Dairy Barn Arts Center in Ohio.  It was kinda like cheating, sending them a cow.  Nah, no it wasn't!  And now she's  in a hardback book, and got to tour America for two years.   FAME!

Cow_Flying_JPEG.jpg (15124 bytes) $85

1.5 x 2"

Cow Pie In The Sky

And when the flocks are flying south for the winter, you'd better duck under the lawn chairs.  These cute little stinkers are from a necklace I've been working on awhile, called 'Fly Me To The Moooooo'.  Wings are transparent with cowspot rims, the hole runs horizontally in the mouth and out the butt, and the beads are weighted to hang in the right direction.   In the south during the season, hunters set up blinds, stock em with artillery and beer, and bond with each other while shooting the bull...  sorry.  That was excessive, wasn't it? I don't make the little ones anymore - too hard cramming in feet, bellybutton, udder, tail and wings.  Order a piece of the herd and I'll toss in some cow-spot filler beads for your necklace or earrings (no cow pies... that's another bead altogether!)

Frogs-with-Flies.jpg (14041 bytes) $85 ea. frogs

$15 ea. flies

1.5 x 1.5"

Frog-Heaven-Fly-2.jpg (25130 bytes)

Frog Heaven  (and dinner, a la carte)

So I was in the my luxury studio (snicker) with the TV on, and the Sci-Fi channel was doing 'Swamp Thing'  and suddenly I found myself  making frogs beads, no idea why.  The first ones were normal, then, like the Swamp Thing, they started mutating.  First the colors went bright fluorescent & tacky, then the frogs were holding big fat juicy flies, then there was one without  legs on a little wheeled cart  (thank goodness it exploded in the kiln, or I'd have Far Side lawyers after me), then the neighbor ran over the cable box between our houses, the TV went blank, and I was SAVED!  But the evidence remained, a kiln full of loopy amphibians in Frog Heaven.  They're disgustingly, barfably cute, desperately clutching big fat blue-eyed grinning flies to their chests and dreaming about lunch.  Gotta have one, dontcha? And for that complete necklace or earring experience, I can make you lovely little anatomically correct - this means they have bellybuttons - flies, with big blue eyes and frosted wings.  Mature, sophisticated women DO wear house flies in their ears, trust me... I even have a babe in Portland walking around in public wearing a mouse trap! Your life won't be complete until you have some, ya know?  And how *do* flies land upside down on ceilings?  I did it once at a party in college, and don't remember how I got back down...

Frogs_Formerly_Known_2_JPEG.jpg (14032 bytes) $85

1.5 x 1.5"


The Frogs Formerly Known As Prince

And these are the ones that have already eaten - see the little pooched out stomachs?    These guys are the ones with mutated colors - orange with dark green dots, yellow with turquoise dots, periwinkle blue with lime dots, and various green froggy combos.  Since Artistic License is being exercised here, I can make em any darned color you want, the heck with nature!   Unless you specify otherwise, these guys are always cross-eyed, because they look so much sillier that way, and because that's the way frogs ARE.  In college I spent time in a marsh  tracking frog habits for a bio paper, and found that ALL the frogs out there were, like these,  cross-eyed, lethargic and grinning...  but  that may have been due to the prostitoads.       

Frog_Royal_Flush_JPEG.jpg (12244 bytes) $145

2.25 x 1.5"

Royal Flush  (starring The Frog Formerly Known As Prince)

I told you it was a bad day at the torch!  As all of you probably know, baby frogs, much like small children going to swimming pools, are taught by their mothers not to pee in the water.  For frogs, this means hiking to the nearest 7-11, lurking near the restroom door, and dodging in as the customers go out.  Only problem is, sometimes they fall in, hence the name above.    SO here we have a happy frog on a pretty darned good ergonomic, low flow toilet,  pre-flush,  pre-pipe slide,  pre-ocean exit.  This toilet has Tidy-Bowl transparent blue water, but I can also make it with clear water and little blobs of frog poop (green, ya know?) on the bottom.  Feeling flush and want just the toilet?  Yours for $85!

Velcro_White_Eye_Closeup_JPEG.jpg (25894 bytes)  

So, you thought I didn't make beads from life?   

Think Again!


This is one of my live models, Velcro.  She channels Joan Rivers - an opinion about everything, a real joy to live with.  The tuxedo tom she's sitting on (he doesn't show up in the picture - she's Joan, after all, and hogs the camera) is Nicky 'The Meatball' Corleone.  He terminates everything that twitches, except Velcro's butt, or he'd be in the picture too. All of my Black Cat beads - especially the Hindlick Maneuver - are modeled on Nicky.  He has his own song... wanna sing along? Do it to the tune of 'Yesterday' by The Beatles:

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away / I used to stalk & kill & breed & play /  Oh I believe in yesterday / Suddenly, I'm not half the cat I used to be /  There's a scalpel hanging over me /  Soprano Meow came suddenly.... /    Why'd They have to go? I don't know, she wouldn't say /   I sprayed something wrong /  Now I long for yesterday..ay..ay...ay.. /  (repeat chorus)                             applause!    whistle!      stomp!     encore!      standing ovations!    record contract!     fame!

Gravity-Goddesses-2.jpg (20061 bytes) $112

2.25 x 1.5"


(too bad you can't see their big fat perky butts...)

Gravity Goddess & Bungee Jumper   (flip her & her cups runneth over!) 

There are a lot of Goddess beads out there, but they all seem to be done in the ancient tradition, the Earth Mother Nature Goddess with beautiful flowing hair and twining trailing vines and flowers.  We desperately need a Contemporary Goddess who reflects the Issues of Modern Culture and Technology (and doesn't object to a lot of Capitalization...)  And here she is, in two of her incarnations, Gravity and Anti-Gravity.  As the Gravity Goddess, she floats weightless, with her hair and her copious boobal-structures aimed at the heavens, and what my father would call a big shit-eating grin (he's from Kansas, they talk like that there).  And when you flip her upside down, she becomes the Goddess Of  Bungee...  ain't that just seriously cool?  Aren't you living in fear of what I might come up with next in this series?  Best part about it is now at shows the Bead Babe Husbands hang around my table looking for Goddesses.  Men... In the words of the Immortal Foxworthy, this is the only thing that's on their minds: "I want a Beer, and I wanna see something Naked".  Perfect Husband Gift.  These Marvelous Works Of Art are available in classy ojime ivory, or tacky trailer trash pink/gold (shown).  fyi, The two in the picture live in Australia now!

Loch_Ness_Mobster_good_JPEG.jpg (29155 bytes) $112


2 x 1.5"

The Loch Ness Mobster

You don't honestly think I'd let a pun like that slip by un-beaded?  I found it in a Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip (drawn by an artist with the same name as my brother, Mike Peters... I'm not altogether sure he ISN'T my brother, they both have the same warped outlook).  So thanks, Mike, it was a great pun, and I'm sorry I didn't think of it first, but you're certainly welcome to use some of mine (just send me a strip, and I'll send you a bead!)  So all it took was a little modification on my Loch Louie Monster bead -  I added sunglasses, a slouch hat and a really pretty rancid gun (yeah, yeah, I'm working on it), and there it was, a peculiar thing that archaeologists will be puzzling over in 500 years (can you imagine what they might extrapolate from our culture based on the beads on this website?  Shudder....) 

Frog_Pond_2_JPEG.jpg (32037 bytes) $85

1.25  &  1.5"


Frog Pond Landscape  (if the frog is smiling, it's called 'Waiting For The Prostitoads')

Another artistic breakthru...  I've finally figured out how to contaminate my landscape beads with eyeballs and bellybuttons. These are surface-decorated tabular beads, and the problem is, when I squash the base bead with my Husband Chaser mashers, sometimes they growwwww, and then I have to add more lily pads, more vines, more flowers.  So I can't guarantee an exact size on these anytime I make one! This is  Stephen King's fault....  I discovered the local library,  hundreds of books on tape, and I get sucked into the damthings and just keep addin' that glass and the beads grow, and grow, and grow.....   Needit!

Cat_black_tie__tail_JPEG.jpg (20758 bytes) $120

5 x 1.5"

Black Tie and Tail      (that is such a GOOD pun!)

They're not called Tuxedo Toms for nothing...  and they're not really Toms, cause I didn't want to go tacky on these (but for a price.....   ahhhh).   This design is totally Mel Brooks' fault.  There I was, happily making beads with the TV on the Comedy Channel, and on came Young Frankenstein.  I was doing black & white cat special orders, and when the boys started singing (if you can call it that)  'Puttin' On The Ritz',  I realized that Tuxedo Toms couldn't be Tuxedo Toms without top hats, and the 'Black Tie and Tail' pun popped in from the Rancid Pun Generator (the doctor says it's located about 1.5" south and inward from the place in your brain that makes ears wiggle), and away I went, making Fred Astaire reincarnated in fur.  Thanks, Mel, for that and for 'There wolf.... there castle!'  and 'What knockers!'  and 'Damn your eyes!' and 'Sweet Mystery of Life, At Last I've Foundddd Youuuuuuu......'

Monkey-Pee-Postcard.jpg (31131 bytes) $185

3 x 1.5"

Monkey Pee, Monkey Doo  -  with real (glass) poop in the toilet...

You can teach them to go, but you can't teach them to flush.   I don't know what was going on in the dream -  it must have a doozy  - but it woke me up at 3 am with 'Monkey Pee, Monkey Doo'.  And apparently I groped for the notepad next to the bed and wrote it down, and did a drawing, thank heavens, with an arrow pointing to the toilet and 'Pee, Doo' in block letters.  So I woke up the next morning and found a note written in Ancient Martian script, with a doodle that almost looked like something.  But then I saw the 'Pee, Doo' , screamed EUREKA!, raced down to the torch, and made these. Cool, huh? They're 3 pieces with seriously 3-D legs, and there's monkey poop and a little transparent yellow at the bottom of the clear center in the toilet.  Fyi, didya know frog poop is green?  And zebra poop is striped?  

Cow_Out_Sitting_In_Her_Field_JPEG.jpg (170449 bytes) $112 ea.

2.25 x 1.5"

Out Sitting In Her Field

Well, they can't stand all day!  Daisy's had a long, hard day grazing and shooting the Bull, and now it's the next day and she's been knocked over by a Bull Dozer (sorry, couldn't help it....).   This is a 2-piece bead with a black rhinestone collar, fat little legs spread wide where she sits in the grass picking the flowers that are doomed to be turned into cud.  The flowers are fresh and the all the pink anatomical bits are extremely perky, which is unusual in cows.  And there's a nice tufted tail snaking up the back... 

Dichro_fish_matte_JPEG.jpg (32185 bytes) $112

2.25 x 1.5"

temp out of stock

Atom Age Series:  Nuclear Fishin'   

Now appearing in the cooling ponds at Three Mile Island, check out these roentgen-rich fish with a soft, trans-uranic glow!  These were invented in 2001, and were a major breakthru.  I've been fighting with dichroic glass for four years, burning it off or scumming it up every time I tried to use it in a bead, but then I applied Reason and Logic and found a shortcut - thanks to Coatings By Sandberg -  and viola! (that's French for YIPPEE, or maybe a musical instrument?) these came out just right. 

Dichro_fish_shiny_JPEG.jpg (44225 bytes) Ditto

2.25 x 1.5"

temp out of stock
Ditto:  All Dressed Up And No Place To Glow...

The Fishes & Slugs all have a soft, silky glow because I gave them an acid bath to frost the glass before CBS applied the dichro coating.   BUT... there were a few I left shiny, and they came out with bright chrome flashy colors, like these guys.  They're made with clear transparent glass, and (insert whap! sound of kicking myself....) I should have flipped them over before taking the picture, because the bright shiny color coming up thru the glass on the other side is really wonderful. These should always be worn with the dichro side to the back...   whap! whap! whap! whap! whap! 

Dichro_slug_blue_JPEG.jpg (22551 bytes) $145

3 x 2"            

temp out of stock

Shiny Slime Banana Slug

I brought  all the new dichro critters to the Best Bead Show in Tucson in 2002 to see if they'd fly (ohhh... gotta try Flying Nuclear Fishin too!) and they were granted Approval by the Minions Of Silly Beads, so they'll  be part of my regular repertoire.  Repertoire - that's French for STOCK, as in "Can you see if we have any Duck Repertoire in the freezer? I want to make some risotto..."  Yep, we eat pretty well around here.. burp.  I can fit about 50 fishes/slugs in one dichro process, and will probably have enough made up to do another load in mid-2005.  Gotta do a bunch more slugs... they're just too cute! 

Cats-Pajamas-2-Front-Newer.jpg (15453 bytes) $112 

3 x 2"

The Cat's Pajamas  (front)

It took years of training and a very patient seamstress with a high pain threshold, but SUCCESS!  All my cats sleep in full-length flannel jammies now!  This is Nicky 'The Meatball' Corleone modeling our all-new periwinkle blue polka dot drop-drawer flannel pajamas.  The outfit is complemented by washable, color-fast fuzzy bunny slippers, white bunnies with red noses, pink ear linings and little black button eyes.  They coordinate nicely with the cat - always well dressed!     But the best part is in back....  brace yourself....

Cats-Pajamas-2-Back-Newer.jpg (15565 bytes) (continued)

3 x 2"

Ready for dirt box action, Nicky's butt-flap is up, his tail is out, and his hiney is getting a bit of a chill.  

This new design option will allow you to sleep all night - no more being yowled awake to unbutton the flap if your cat needs to hit the dirt box or execute the Hind-Lick Maneuver!    

It's hard to get a good pic of white-on-white, but there are big fat white cotton-tails on the slipper!  No detail is forgotten (except, darnitall, the balls - Nicky is male.  My only excuse is that this was a special order, and I didn't want to gross out the nice man who wanted it for a gift...)

Swine_Lake_Newest_JPEG.jpg (15620 bytes) $120

3 x 2" 

Swine Lake

Remember that glorious evening we first saw Miss Piggy dance Swine Lake with Rudolf Nureyev on the Muppet Show?  Ah... that was good television.  Or the time Paul Simon was singing Scarborough Fair, and wandered into Miss Piggy's fortune tent and she looked at his palm and said 'Sing Faster"?  That was GREAT television.  Now all we get is lousy reality TV and Anna Nicole.  Sigh.  As a tribute to Well Written Television Past, here is my version of Swine Lake, with bouncy tutu and butt and tail sticking out the back.  I would have loved to do her as Miss Piggy, but there are those #%#$#$@! lawyers....

Arnold_Schwartzepigger_JPEG.jpg (14978 bytes) $120

3 x 1.5" 

Arnold Schwartzepigger

I just had to, ya know?  The pun was just so rancid I couldn't let it alone, and pulled out the pink glass and gave it a try.   Who knew pigs had such great 6 Pak development?   And when I made this back in 2001, who knew that this would be our Gov?   I just loveeee California....

Pig-Swine-On-Harvest-Moon.jpg (25510 bytes) $112

3.5 x 2"

Swine On Harvest Moon 

For the last 20 years, whenever I'd visit my parents Dad would turn on the TV after supper and watch one of three things:  Hogan's Heroes,  Hawaii 5-0, or Lawrence Welk.   Unfortunately LarryW was in heavy re-run rotation and I got to experience it pretty much every night.  You know the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a Water Buffalo?  With the buffalo, the horns are in the front and the ass is in the back....  ack..  sorry, I couldn't help myself, blame it on 'Anna-one, Anna-two' overdose.  But as usually happens, Good came out of Evil, and I got to hear and memorize every big band and swing tune ever written, and almost all of them had HUGE pun potential.  Like this -

pig_SwineRoses_JPEG.jpg (95328 bytes) $85

2.5 x 1"

Days of Swine And Roses 

And like this!  I think everybody under 25 should be *forced* to watch the LarryW Show every single day, so they can recognize and appreciate all the old-lyric-derived rancid puns on this website!  I'm writing to my Congressperson right away - this is the kind of legislation that could be attached as a rider to something like Healthcare or Social Security - and what a surprise when the Britney fans discovered their new legal requirements!  We need to make sure everybody in America knows the origin of  'I Want A Gargoyle Just Like The Gargoyle That Marinated Dear Old Dad' and 'Days of Swine and Roses' and 'Swine On Harvest Moon' and 'Wake Up Little Sushi' (tho that's a lot more recent...)

Pig_pegleg_JPEG.jpg (20305 bytes) $85

2.5" x 1.5"

Joke Series:  The Pig With The Wooden Leg        

This is the only one - and had to haul it to THREE shows before one of the Silly Bead Minions, in a gesture of mercy that I still appreciate,  bought the stinkin' thing and took it away.  I'd been telling the joke that goes with this bead at least a dozen times every day - and these were 12 show days, total.  Can you imagine just how $@#!%!! sick I was of the Peg Leg Pig Joke?   So you don't really think I'm gonna write it out and plug it in here, don't you?  NOT A CHANCE!  But if you send me an email I'll shoot it out to you... it's so amazingly gross and good at the same time that it's worth knowing!  And if you order one of these, you get the joke along with...  but try to control that impulse. 

Elephant-Head.jpg (13501 bytes) $112

1 x 1.5 x 1"



Trunk & Disorderly 

I bet you're really getting sick of all these stinkin'  puns by now, aren't you?  I'm in the middle of a massive text marathon, writing up descriptions to go with ... what is it?  WAY over 100 new pictures, and I'm starting to go into wonky pun overdrive... in the last 5 minutes I thought up the nasty specimen above, and a bunch more - Mastodontia (it'd have braces, I guess?) and Elephantry, My Dear Watson (cap & pipe?) and From Tusk Till Dawn (the scourge of Pachyderm Vampires? Sliding into Bunnicula territory here...).  I may not be fit for normal company for awhile, if you can call any of my cronies normal.  A hard bead to get a good pic of - if you lay it on its back so you can see the size & scope of the ears, the trunk is coming right up at the camera and all you see is a big gray blob that blocks the eyes.  On the side like this you get the face, but the ears go away with foreshortening... ah, the evils of Depth and Perspective!  This makes a nice pendant, especially when paired with big ivory tea-stained nubbly peanuts (roasted, unsalted, in the shell) -  make you one of those for $15, or a small pair great for earrings for $25.  Go ahead, go nuts - they're all they're cracked up to be!

PIG-Little-Orphan-Hammy-JPE.jpg (18124 bytes) Above Price!

2.5 x 1.5"

Little Orphan Hammy 

I'll probably hear from the lawyers for this one, won't I , guys?  Just hold up - this is a one-of-a-kind, I'm not making em for mass sale!  But I had to make one -  a pun of this Extravagant Rancidocity just *COULD NOT* be left undone once I'd thought of it.  

So if you'll dispense with the Cease & Desist, I'll overcome the urge to put the World's BEST Lawyer joke in here....  you know, the one about the Statue of a Rat?  heheheeeeeeeeee...



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